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| (Photo credit: Wikipedia) |
[This time of year, there’s a lot screaming at
the mall as parents, desperate to obtain cute photos of their tots with the
bringer of toys, force their scared little ones onto Santa’s lap. Just
imagine how this must feel from the child’s perspective . . .]
Boy,
there sure are a lot of people here. I
wish Mama hadn’t dressed me in this stupid outfit. Now I’m kind of embarrassed. And what is this stupid thing hanging
from my neck anyway?
I’m
bored. Why are we standing
here? And why is that kid
screaming? What . . . OHMIGod! OHMIGOD! What is THAT? Is that a person? It has two legs, two arms, and head,
but I don’t see any mouth or skin. Maybe
it’s an animal . . . or an alien! Wait
. . . what is that mama doing? Why
is she handing over her kid to the giant red, fuzzy alien animal? RUN, KID! RUN! I don’t know what that thing is, but I
bet it eats little kids! I
mean, look how FAT it is! QUICK! RUN, KID!
Where’s
that flashing coming from? Is
that . . . is that a camera? Is that green thing with the pointy ears taking a
picture? OHMIGOD! I get it now! This is like some weird fetish
thing! They’re taking
pictures . . . and the kid’s Dada is taping his kid getting eaten by a red,
fuzzy alien animal! They’re
probably going to sell this on the internet. WHAT KIND OF SICK PEOPLE ARE YOU?! RUN, KID! OVER HERE! RUN TOWARDS ME! MY MAMA WILL
PROTECT YOU!
Mama? Did you see that? Did you see what the other mama
did? CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?
Whew. The mama finally rescued that poor
kid. Oh, thank God. Can we go home now, Mama? This whole thing has just been so
upsetting. I mean . . .
wait, what are you doing? Where
are we going, Mama? WHY ARE
WE WALKING TOWARDS THE GIANT RED, FUZZY ALIEN ANIMAL, MAMA? WHAT?! YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT?! ARE YOU CRAZY? DID YOU SEE HOW THAT THING ALMOST ATE
THAT OTHER KID? NOT TO
MENTION THE FACT THAT I’M AT THE STRANGER ANXIETY STAGE OF DEVELOPMENT! ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?
NO,
MAMA! NOOOOOOOOOO! OHMIGOD!! I’M SITTING ON THE ALIEN ANIMAL! MAAAMAAAA! HELP ME! HE’S GOING TO EAT ME! WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO WHAT? SMILE? ARE YOU SMOKING CRACK?! I’M ABOUT TO BE EATEN ALIVE!
What
. . . what did you just say to me, you alien animal? WHO YOU CALLING “HO?!” I AIN’T NO HO! AND I GOT ME SOME LADIES DOWN AT THE
PARK TO PROVE IT! STOP
SAYING “HO!” Oh, God. It does have a mouth, and I can see
its teeth every time it talks! MAAMAA! IT HAS TEETH, AND IT KEEPS CALLING ME
“HO!”
Was
that a flash? ARE YOU
TAKING PICTURES?! GET THAT
CAMERA OUTTA MY FACE, DADA! I
HATE YOU! I HATE YOU
ALL! I got to get out of
here. Run. I have to run.
Oh,
MAMA! FINALLY! You saved me from the red, fuzzy alien
animal. YOU MEANIE! I
HATE YOU!
Hold
me.
