|(Photo credit: Wikipedia)|
[This time of year, there’s a lot screaming at the mall as parents, desperate to obtain cute photos of their tots with the bringer of toys, force their scared little ones onto Santa’s lap. Just imagine how this must feel from the child’s perspective . . .]
Boy, there sure are a lot of people here. I wish Mama hadn’t dressed me in this stupid outfit. Now I’m kind of embarrassed. And what is this stupid thing hanging from my neck anyway?
I’m bored. Why are we standing here? And why is that kid screaming? What . . . OHMIGod! OHMIGOD! What is THAT? Is that a person? It has two legs, two arms, and head, but I don’t see any mouth or skin. Maybe it’s an animal . . . or an alien! Wait . . . what is that mama doing? Why is she handing over her kid to the giant red, fuzzy alien animal? RUN, KID! RUN! I don’t know what that thing is, but I bet it eats little kids! I mean, look how FAT it is! QUICK! RUN, KID!
Where’s that flashing coming from? Is that . . . is that a camera? Is that green thing with the pointy ears taking a picture? OHMIGOD! I get it now! This is like some weird fetish thing! They’re taking pictures . . . and the kid’s Dada is taping his kid getting eaten by a red, fuzzy alien animal! They’re probably going to sell this on the internet. WHAT KIND OF SICK PEOPLE ARE YOU?! RUN, KID! OVER HERE! RUN TOWARDS ME! MY MAMA WILL PROTECT YOU!
Mama? Did you see that? Did you see what the other mama did? CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?
Whew. The mama finally rescued that poor kid. Oh, thank God. Can we go home now, Mama? This whole thing has just been so upsetting. I mean . . . wait, what are you doing? Where are we going, Mama? WHY ARE WE WALKING TOWARDS THE GIANT RED, FUZZY ALIEN ANIMAL, MAMA? WHAT?! YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT?! ARE YOU CRAZY? DID YOU SEE HOW THAT THING ALMOST ATE THAT OTHER KID? NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT I’M AT THE STRANGER ANXIETY STAGE OF DEVELOPMENT! ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?
NO, MAMA! NOOOOOOOOOO! OHMIGOD!! I’M SITTING ON THE ALIEN ANIMAL! MAAAMAAAA! HELP ME! HE’S GOING TO EAT ME! WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO WHAT? SMILE? ARE YOU SMOKING CRACK?! I’M ABOUT TO BE EATEN ALIVE!
What . . . what did you just say to me, you alien animal? WHO YOU CALLING “HO?!” I AIN’T NO HO! AND I GOT ME SOME LADIES DOWN AT THE PARK TO PROVE IT! STOP SAYING “HO!” Oh, God. It does have a mouth, and I can see its teeth every time it talks! MAAMAA! IT HAS TEETH, AND IT KEEPS CALLING ME “HO!”
Was that a flash? ARE YOU TAKING PICTURES?! GET THAT CAMERA OUTTA MY FACE, DADA! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU ALL! I got to get out of here. Run. I have to run.
Oh, MAMA! FINALLY! You saved me from the red, fuzzy alien animal. YOU MEANIE! I HATE YOU!